sassyblu: (balancing cake and bread)
I've had a pair of new glasses for a year and a half. tonight, I put them on for the first time.  I can see more clearly, but  the storm clouds are still gathering.  I've made so many mistakes this week.  Little mistakes, super sized mistakes and everything in between.  The big scoreboard in the sky reads Home team, 0. Away team, 100.  My emotions are bouncing between despair and indifference and somewhere in between.  It's the in between that's a killer.  I like knowing where i stand, even if it's at the bottom.  But personally and professionally, it's all a big jumble of uncertainty.
 
Sometimes I think about the professor catching me after class and telling me I was talented and I should consider doing it for a living. It doesn't matter what "it" is, rather, it's the feeling I got when he told me this.    The feeling that I had a place in the world, that I belonged somewhere.  It was powerful and scared the shit out of me and I promptly told him I had no interest in "it".   It was an easy way out, out of something I might have been good at. 

at times I feel that same way about my life now, like I've finally found "it".   but mostly, I'm living in a big grey zone of uncertainty.  I feel lost without that professor pointing the way for me, telling me "this is IT" .  And then I feel dismayed that I need that type of reassurance.  Why can't I believe in myself?  Why isn't that enough?
sassyblu: (aya_snow queen)
why am I suddenly feeling like a failure, a fraud, a big fat loser...why now? success is a two-faced bitch.
sassyblu: (toooo.muuuuuuch.sominexxxxxxxx)
Nick Yeagle 1978-2005



May he finally find peace.
sassyblu: (toooo.muuuuuuch.sominexxxxxxxx)
My canon s400 is dead. Apparently there is a widespread defect that causes the camera to stop working after 18 months or so. Mine lasted 20 months and I was able to download the photos from the Tori trip. I guess I was lucky. :( There's a lot of pissed off Canon users and I submitted my name for a class action lawsuit. In the meantime I'm camera-less. And sad.
sassyblu: (lick)
Sometimes I feel like I never have an original thought or idea. I merely copy others in thought or action, consciously or not. Occasionally it bothers me, but mostly I just notice when it happens. I'm fascinated by people that can create and nurture intense persona of themselves... a certain style of dress, of speech, of being. How much energy do they need to keep such a persona going? Style... I crave it but yet, I don't have the energy for it. My usual state of neutrality (neither happy nor sad nor excited nor depressed) seems so boring in comparison.

here's my favorite song from the new Imogen Heap cd.

http://s51.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=1KTKZETJ6ZHDQ3NC4PNXD31Q6I
sassyblu: (goth tori)
I will remember the presale tomorrow, I will remember the presale tomorrow, I will remember the presale tomorrow, I will remember the presale tomorrow, I will remember the presale tomorrow, I will remember the presale tomorrow, I will remember the presale tomorrow, I will remember the presale tomorrow.

not that I have any idea if I'll be getting decent seats or not... I've scoured the net for a good seating chart and nada que nada. joder.

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sassyblu

January 2009

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